He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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