i think my tv is drunk
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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