I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.