after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
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Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?