im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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