Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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