I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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