I don't usually arrange sex via text message
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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