Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can't turn off my feet"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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