you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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