I want to walk on stilts...naked
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
