Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
