I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
