i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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