Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
