Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i was born a porn star she said
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
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i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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