god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
