I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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