I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
