Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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