Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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