omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
