last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
as a side note pls kill me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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