"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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