my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
