She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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