I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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