The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
