$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
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Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society