I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
