my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
