your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
