I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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