Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
