So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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