I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
