hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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