dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
