Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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