I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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