Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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