I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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