i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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