I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
