It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
