I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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