We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
