Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
