Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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