nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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