i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
