..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
