these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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